I think we are at the ‘nothing’ stage. She lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling, with different facial expressions, at times with a sheepish smile. Then appears to be deep in thought. Well, ‘Rawder, how do you see all this?’ ‘Thank you for asking. Its simple, I am a normal good mother, I invade my child’s privacy, I snoop around, I eavesdrop and sometimes I ask around. I observe all this while peeping on my knees. I think God adds me a few minutes in a day, to have some mama drama. This mostly happens when the house has been weirdly quite and our relationship is okay. Sometimes I get caught and pretend to search for invisible coins. I used to say I cannot install cameras to spy on my own children, well only time will tell.
When washing dishes, I find her holding a plate away from the sink as water runs down . Its like she is not there at all. I gently ask ‘ What are you thinking about?’ And all I get is ‘Nothing’. Of course I tell her to stop wasting water, ‘wash the dishes first then go think.’ But I walk away wishing for super powers, that I could read her mind just for a minute, Is she thinking of a place she would like to go? Is it something she desires to have? Is it a person she misses? Wait.. Wait.. WAIT! IS IT A BOY??? Someone sell me a lion!
We are walking home, I am all bubbly band excited, having the walk of my life. Telling ‘in my day’ stories. Then I pause realizing that I might be talking to myself. Hey, are you okay? She looks at me, clueless. She did not even get the question. Is there something I should know?’ ‘Nothing’ is all I get. Could she be thinking of her education? I don’t think so, an 11-year-old thinking of science and mathematics to a point of breaking my glasses? No. Unless I have underestimated my own flesh and blood.
Allow me to make things worse, when the cousin is around, they have so much fun. I hear them talk for hours, they play games, do house chores together and laugh a lot. I come from a laughing out loud family, so they laugh so loud that I walk to where they are. In my mind, I am thinking, things will be crazier, more fun and merry when I join in. With a big smile I ask, ‘What is so funny?’ they reply in unison ‘Nothing’. Determined to force myself in their generation, I continue, ‘What are you doing?’ they look at me in the eye and say ‘Nothing’. At this point, I carry all my years and walk out.
She let’s me in at times, going on and on about school drama, stories teachers tell during lessons, her dreams (not her big ambitions and aspirations, I’m talking about the ones she has at night) I have come to treasure this moments, because they are becoming unpredictable. As for the ‘nothing’ moments, the only consolation I have is that, she also doesn’t know what I think about!
So in conclusion Rawder, what is your point? Well, the best answer I have is ‘Nothing!’